What happend next is still a blur to me. The look on his face. The tension being sliced by a half choked sob. The array of questions, insults and accusations. The outpouring of all dislike and hate. All my anger searing up to lead to two last words.

“Get out!”

I stand stock still. Only moving as i carefully press a white Kleenex against my bloody nose. He tries again. Pleading. Begging even to stay. He appologises for his ‘momentary violent outbreak’. My silence irks him even more. I silently pray.

“God make this all go away!”

I get lost in my moment of prayer, and then i hear him shuffle past me. He makes sure he closes the door carefully, without a slam. I look at the shut door envisioning him behind it. Looking right back at me. His gaze burning a hole through the door.

“Why baby? Why? Why do you push away love when it’s the one thing you need?”

I lock the door and sink into my nook in the corner. Surrounded by my white washed walls and marbled tiled floors. I know of only one eternal Love and that which comes from above. The morning will bring me new joy and a new hope. But for now, peace, as my mind floats towards the sunny parks where i run and let His presence just rain down on me.


I trudge back home an hour later. My trainers sloshing, filled with water. I drip water all the way up to the bathroom where I undress and don my towel. I stare at the bruised figure i see in my mirror. The bluish black marks have almost dissapeared. But the pain is etched in forever. I draw a bath and reach for my favourite bubble bath-; peaches and rosemary. I look at all the bottles lined up on the edge of the bath and figure I'll just drop a little bit of everything in. So in goes the Papaya & Grapefruit, White Musk, Ocean Breeze, Stawberry Delight, Lillies & Avocado and Mango Tango. The water swirls with all the different colors, illuminating with different smells which seem to blend into one fruity – flowery scent.

I don't know how long i've been here, but the water's turned cold.
My fingers and toes are all pruney. I smell delightful.

Tonight's the night. I have to end this. I hear the keys clinking and the lock turn on the door downstairs. He's home.

I lace my Adidas and head for the front door. I need to get out. Some air would do me good. Work can wait. Deadlines… let them die. I open the door and gasp as the chill of the evening rain hits my face. It's pouring outside but I don't care. All I wanna do is run.
I want to feel my feet pounding on the pavement. I want to hear the trees rustling in the wind and I want to feel the rain whipping at my cheeks. I want to run, splashing through puddles and zooming past the world all around me. I want to feel alive. The rain turns into a steady downpour. I can see people looking at me from behind their curtains. I know what they're thinking.

"She's mad! It's raining cats and dogs out there"

But I don't care.

"She does this everytime it rains"

"But why?"

No one knows. No one asks. I smile to myself knowing that this secret is mine. This joy is mine alone. The rain, the puddles, the pavement, the trees and the wind, is mine, for now. They hear me.

He awakens.
"G'mornin Sunshine!"

I flick him a smile.
Mornin'! Did you sleep well? Want some breakfast? We've got toast and scrambled eggs or milk with cereal? I don't wait for an answer but I just hop up and head for the kitchen. I don't do early morning conversations. How can you choke up some bullshit and smile when you haven't even had time to put on your mask?

I love the mornings. I rise early, watch the sun creep into the sky and prepare myself for what the day will bring. Is it a good or bad day? It's alright I've picked my mask for the day.

He saunteres into the kitchen and flops into a chair.

"I can't stay long Sweetcakes. The real world awaits me. Lots of places to go and people to see."

Boy I wish I could smack that stupid grin off his face!

Alrighty, just finish up your breakfast and get going. I'll wash up. I'm still smiling. This is it. I've got to do this soon. I've got to end this. For me. For my sanity. Should I wipe him out quick? Or should I make it slow and painful? Why are these things so hard to do!? They make it look so easy in the movies.

I move to the window and look out. Coffee mug in hand. I hear the shower turn on upstairs. I'm alone for now. I wave at Mrs. Alice walking her Dog. Dorry doesn't seem to have a care in the world. She just squats and dumps wherever. Mrs Alice picks up her crap after her. Dumb dog. She didn't even bark when Mrs Alice house got robbed last month. If Dorry was mine I'd have gotten the robbers to take her too!

I shut out the world outside as I stand still with my eyes close.
Soaking in the warm morning rays and wishing. Just wishing I was there. That place I often dream about. I don't wanna be here.

It’s dull here. i’m longing for an escape.
I long to be near where You are. Basking in the glorious warmth of the morning sun instead of choking here on the pungent smell of sorrow.

Joy eludes me.
I know not why.
Maybe its because she knows of the darkness deep within me. Or maybe I’m just incapable of opening my heart to the music that she brings.

My mind awakes again at the sound of rustlings sheets. The figure beside me stirs again. Why can’t he be silent and motionless? They’re all the same. Maybe I should move to the other room. I’ll get some sleep there.

I sit on my marble white floor, staring into the white empty space. The house although bare isn’t silent but glows in the warm morning rays. I fix the strings on my white linen pants and pick up my white ipod.
White. It’s all white. I fix my white earpiece on and turn the scroller. Nope. Not all white. It’s dark music I’m hearing. My heart thumps to the beat beneath my white halter. This is me.

The picture painted on the canvas is not what it seems at all. Only the few aesthethic can begin to comprehend the strokes and swishes I make on my canvas. Thus unveiling the true me. The real me. I am not the artwork that I portray myself to be.